failures

People have asked me if I've enjoyed my summer break in Asia. Even though i usually reply that it was great, the past summer has not been all sunny and bright.

The whole summer, there was always so much drama going on. Upfront and behind the scenes. It seemed like an invisible tug-of-war, wrestling in my mind and with my time. There were so many places I could go to, but I felt stifled and was always grasping for my own space.

I get really annoyed when people tell me about my flaws. Especially so when I feel like I've been wronged or misjudged. My aunt has told me repeatedly that I'm impatient. She always chooses to tell me strategically the day before I leave Hong Kong so I can reflect upon that. I don't see why I should but I can get pretty defensive about it. It's sad, but probably true.

There were also accusations that happened without reasons. Purely illogical and irrational. Which made me think, am I the one who is being ridiculous? Are my thoughts absurd? Have I not truly been born again? Was I not reflecting the glory and love that I had come to believe in?

Gradually, these questions became less and less important to me. I became more of an escapist than a witness, cowardly rather than bold.

Running away was a mistake, a huge one.

It didn't filter out the noise or the hurt. It wasn't easier to live by then or after that. The pain hadn't disappeared; it's still there, hidden yet growing. Benign, yet with the potential to turn tumultuous.

It's incredible to think that I had plans beforehand but they all worked in reverse. The most unexpected things happened, rolled along and gain momentum so that I could barely hang on. I wouldn't say that my faith has been weakened but I have definitely been humbled.

What's done cannot be undone. The only option left is to persevere, to hold it close, and to scribe it in my heart.

Hebrews 10:19-39, 12, 13 James 1: 2-27, 3,4, 1 Peter, 2 Peter 1, 1 John