the perils of indifference

last friday, we watched "shake hands with the devil". anyone who watched this documentary will be astounded by the atrocities of humans, wrenched by the sufferings of the people and questioned what remains of our humanity

i was so "affected" by the video that i felt depressed for the rest of the day, even though it was friday! the last day of the week. the next day, i spent half of the day (the whole of the afternoon, after i woke up at 11.30am) reading up on rwanda

i read that the tutsi and hutus have their reasons for conflict, the animosity long-fuelled by their colonial masters. whatever it is, it led to a mass killing. i went on the website "ghost of rwanda" which was set up to commerate the genocide in this small african country.

i really admire all the people who stayed in rwanda juz to help the people out. there was romeo dallaire, the ever courageous and self condemning canadian general. there was an american pastor, people from the red cross, all selfless individual.

at the same time, there were the "devils", the gunweilding, machete holding, the people you would see on the street

i read interviews of some american leaders who gave the impression that they disregarded the whole massacre at that time. i'm not sure if they couldn't have done more, or they wanted to do more. one would question why these atrocities were not stopped by the international community? because they were africans, blacks? because there was no national interest? of coz i felt ashamed of the wealthier countries in general, why we didn't do more to help. but i cringed for a different reason.

i cry for the sufferings, the victims, the killers, the indifference. but also, as selfish as it sounds, i cried for myself

of course i don't have a responsibility for the whole rwanda genocide, coz i was barely 3 at the time of the genocide. but i felt at a lost because i realised that i might have done the same. the same as the killers, the same as the bystanders. i don't have the faith to say for sure that if someone was threatening to chop off my head, i wouldn't just kill my tutsi friends and neighbours. i don't have the conscience to say that if i was watching news on rwanda, i wouldn't just go on living my life with no thoughts of helping the people in rwanda. i'm really sorry, but i can't say for sure.

i feel so ashamed of myself....i know i didn't experience anything near that of living though a genocide....n i can't comprehend the life after the killings, the life after losing everyone you know, your family, your friends, your country, your home. my appologies won't even mean anything, i'm so sorry that i'm that pathetic, that i'm so weak in spirit, that i'm so low in human decency, in human diginity, in faith, in love...

even now, there are so many conflicts ongoing, the one in congo, btwn israelis and palestinians, how much have i read about the conflicts? how often have i prayed for the people? how often have i cared?

i need to make a change and the only chance i have is through god. the only thread of kindness and goodness i hold is from god. if i lived through such trauma like the genocide, without god, i would surely die. even if i didn't die physically, my soul would have died. my heart would be black, my eyes empty. but it is only with god that i might have a chance to be a good samaritan, a chance to lift up my head and look myself into the eye.

i will remember the people of rwanda
i will remember the people of congo, the people of sudan
i will remember the israelis and the palestinians
i will remember god is with me and that i will believe in the goodness that god has planted in me

i hope