genesis

世間的愛是盲目的

2011-12-07T18:09:00.002-05:00

從這個學期開始到現在，因感情問題認識了一位朋友。她的男友對她是絕對的侮辱與不尊重，連普通朋友該有的坦誠相對，他也是沒辦到。

但她離不開他。即使他男友的行爲有多離譜，即使我們再三勸告，即使她自己也知道不會有好結果，她也依然盲目的回到他身旁。站在朋友的立場，這种愛讓我不可思議。為一個不在乎你的人，做出這樣的犧牲，傷了不僅是自己的心，也傷了爸爸媽媽的心。

我們是傻子，因爲最好的愛已經給予我們，但我們的思維就是那麽的狹窄那麽的自私，永遠在追求完美的在不完美的出現。我們的天父，是多麽希望看到不做傻事的我們。很多時候，雖然我們可以抵賴說是世間的誘惑太多等等，但最終要負起責任的是自己，因爲是自己做出的決定。儘管世間是多麽背叛我們，也沒有我們背叛神來的多。傷了自己，痛在父母天父心裏。

今天，她們終于分手了。作爲旁觀者的我，雖然看到她爲了這件事很心痛，但也為她感到欣慰。相信她父母如果有一天知道的話，也會有一樣的感受。接下來的路還很長，希望她可以縱迷路的方向走出來，不要再傷害自己。更希望的是，神憐憫我們，讓她能學習如何原諒，認錯，歸你為她生命的希望而勇敢的面對人生。

2011-11-20T15:51:00.001-05:00

After getting a lot of interviews this term and despite knowing that I am actually not smart, I started feeling and irksome conceit growing inside of me. I also relied a lot on the glitch and thought I definitely got an offer and was set for working in Toronto for the winter 2012 work term. Thereafter, I slackened a lot on my preparations for the remaining interviews and even complained about having too many.

However, it turned out that the glitch did not work for me and I did not get an offer. The day rankings come out was not a good day. I dropped from an optimistic high to a dispirited low. Since I didn't get an offer, I would have to just slog for the rest of the term and would have to go for another N number of interviews. The thought itself was tiring. What made it worse was that I actually presumed I would get the Toronto job and told a lot of my friends about it.

It is deeply humbling when things don't turn out the way you expect to be. I'm very thankful that I got matched to a job in Windsor. It's far and away and it's actually the first time I would be away for so long on my own in a foreign city. The last time I was in Hong Kong, there was some sense of isolation and a yearning for some place to quieten down despite/because of too many/too little people around me. So in some sense I am quite excited and a little worried that I'll shrink and hide outside of my workplace in Windsor.

It'll be a real test of who I am. I don't really know how I appear but I think I would have died ten thousand times if not for God's unfailing grace, mercy and blessings. My refuge and stronghold will be there for me, as long as I turn towards Him.

Thanks to friends, I've gotten some contacts and housing settled and thanks to my dad, I know that I'll be able to get chinese groceries near my place=)My supervisor also seems super nice and offered to bring me to tour the city.

Looking forward!

2011-11-19T16:17:00.002-05:00

Next week around this time, I would have to go for volunteering. Volunteering is not that much fun. It is awkward for me to speak and interact with the residents when I am normally not all that friendly or warm. Sometimes, I didn't know what to say or I could understand.

While going through part of the four hours of the second volunteering session, I felt like sending an email to the volunteer coordinator to quit. I didn't see myself being of any use or helping out with anything. And there was a strange smell around the centre filled with cigarette and coffee.

Then the volunteer after my shift came in and he placed his bible on the table. he looked like a friendly middle-aged guy with a tummy and a chuckle so i thought it would be good to understanding more about the volunteering situation.

He shared with me that he was the fire chief of the city and often had to deal with people on the worst days of their lives. But he would only see them for a short time and could not really give much support to them. He imagined that he would build good relations with the residents and have a good chat with the residents but he later realised that it was not the case. Many of them came from a very colourful and successful background, but because of unemployment, betrayal of family members, or many other reasons, the spiral sank deeper and deeper. Eventually, they found themselves fighting for survival on the streets or just trying to live by day. For some, they spent years living this way. Mishandled and misunderstood by people like us, it has become extra difficult for them to break out of the cycle of poverty and dismantle the roots of mistrust. Although their physical needs are being met, many still struggle from illnesses and many other worries. It breaks my heart that they are such a broken people but also because of my reaction and the hesitance on my part to approach them.

Yet we are also such broken and weak people, ugly with sin but by His love and mercy has chosen to save us from our condemning sins. Teach me to be humble, teach me to be loving, to be patient, to be joyful, to be hopeful that the little mustard seed will grow in time because of You.

2011-11-17T15:44:00.001-05:00

Thank you that I don't have kidney stones.

2011-11-16T16:42:00.001-05:00

The Divine Will from The Valley of Vision
O Lord,
I hang on thee; I see, believe, live,
When thy will, not mine, is done;
I can plead nothing in myself
In regard of any worthiness and grace,
In regard of thy providence and promises,
But only thy good pleasure.
If thy mercy make me poor and vile, blessed be thou!
Prayers arising from my needs are preparations for future mercies;
Help me to honour thee by believing before I feel,
For great is the sin if I make feeling a cause of faith.
Show me what sins hide thee from me and eclipse thy love;
Help me to humble myself for past evils,
To be resolved to walk with more care,
For I do not walk holily before thee,
How can I be assured of my salvation.
It is the meek and humble who are shown thy covenant,
Know thy will, are pardoned and healed,
Who by faith depend and rest upon grace,
Who are sanctified and quickened,
Who evidence thy love.
Help me to pray in faith and so find thy will,
By leaning hard on thy rich free mercy,
By believing thou wilt give what thou hast promised;
Strengthen me to pray with the conviction
That whatever I receive is thy gift,
So that I may pray until prayer be granted;
Teach me to believe that all degrees of mercy arise from several degrees of prayer,
That when faith is begun it is imperfect and must grow,
As chapped ground opens wider and wider until rain comes.
So shall I wait thy will, pray for it to be done,
And by thy grace become fully obedient.

How true the prayers of the puritans. It seems like the words from a few centuries ago echo my struggles today (although I could never phrase it as beautifully as they did). I would definitely recommend this book the Valley of Vision.

There has been some vile obsession of mine that ignores the still small voice. I know fully well what I should be doing and obeying, yet I choose to sin, depress and myself restless.

It is amazing as the psalmist says about our Majestic King of the Universe

What is man that you are mindful of him, that you care for him?

It is by amazing grace but grace is not cheap.

Strengthen me with the Holy Spirit to walk in the ways of the Lord.

epic 3

2011-11-13T15:08:00.001-05:00

Before i get too lazy or forget about this, here it is

Some days ago, I received an email from a Prof to me and some other people. It was not the best thing we would want to hear; it was concerning an assignment that we had submitted a couple of weeks ago and he wanted to see us in his office.

By then, I had seen my mark on uwace. It was not spectacular but not bad enough to warrant something fatal. Still, I fretted over the night until I decided enough was enough and tried to put myself at ease through prayer.

The next morning, there was a huge lineup by his office. I had no time to speak to him but my friend who had the chance told me that we were all accused of plagiarism and he had decided to give us an academic probation.

My heart sank. I cannot claim to be the best student but certainly not one to have a bad record.

Again, I was weak and fretted over the night. I imagined how disappointed my parents would be and how it would become another impediment to getting a co-op position. I wondered what good an academic probation would do? In what way would it be part of God's good plans?

Again, I pleaded for help.
O God, what is going on? Please help me...

The second morning, I went into his office. He sat me down and said " I suppose you know what is going on". After nodding my head, he showed me where i had gone wrong...

"You see this part, you copied too much of the phrase..."

those words seemed unfamiliar. i screened the page down and then up, and saw that the header was not my name. It was that of another's whose name was one letter less than mine!!!

I think the prof prob feels bad about mixing up our names but i was feeling too happy that it wasn't me. In first year, I had often wondered why there would be a girl's name so similar to mine (considering that I think my name is not all that common) and kindof felt that it was a shame. Thank goodness for that!

It was a bit of a scare, but how blessed these little pebbles are when one gets over them safely! And they serve such a good reminder to forgetful people like me to tread carefully and not take things like a normal school life for granted.

2011-10-23T20:38:00.001-04:00

rena the foodie
ron the artist
dave the crazy sci fi guy
jean francois the french guy
craig the bearded

can't remember the names, too many!

2011-10-21T01:14:00.001-04:00

past few week were ...

gotta get through things
i wanna enjoy learning but the process is difficult when i'm lazy and have so much to do
in any case, i haven't slept much the whole week!
quite bizarre
my friend commented that i look like i haven't slept for days! haha
well...
i know why i'm getting all these outbreaks. life is unfair. nobody gets them at this age, only me.

but thank goodness i'm still alive
and blogging
and i have a lot of work to do after i blog

there's something really special happening this week! actually it's not that special but i have been arranging for it since winter term. I don't know how it's going to be but it's definitely a first try. And I signed for some more time slots so we'll see how it goes. really clueless about what's going to happen....actually probably nothing really happening but i'll bring my books to read. i have plenty of readings to do anyways. i hope to witness and see and take in what i can. i want to show my support for the community because i think this project is way too cool! we need more cool projects like these =D

2011-10-21T00:58:00.002-04:00

in my first year, i got woken up at 8.44am and made it for my exam at 9am

today, i woke up at 8.47am and made it for my 9am interview! (which i didn't get ranked for..haha) at least i saved myself from getting black listed.

Thank you God for being the best alarm clock ever!

but judging from the trend..........i wonder if it'll be more and more epic

hope the next time it won't be 8.50am

that will be yikessssss

2011-10-19T00:51:00.000-04:00

from the Valley of Vision

The Awakened Sinner

O My forgetful Soul,
Awake from thy wandering dream;
Turn from chasing vanities,
Look inward, forward, upward,
View thyself,
Reflect upon thyself,
Who and what thou art, why here,
What thou must soon be.
Thou art a creature of God,
Formed and furnished by him,
Lodged in a body like a shepherd in his tent;
Dost thou not desire to know God’s ways?
O God,
Thou injured, neglected, provoked Benefactor
When I think upon thy greatness and thy goodness
I am ashamed at my insensibility,
I blush to lift up my face,
For I have foolishly erred.
Shall I go on neglecting thee,
When every one of thy rational creatures
Should love thee,
And take every care to please thee?
I confess that thou hast not been in all my thoughts,
That the knowledge of thyself as the end of
My being has been strangely overlooked,
That I have never seriously considered
My heart-need.
But although my mind is perplexed and divided,
My nature perverse,
Yet my secret dispositions still desire thee.
Let me not delay to come to thee;
Break the fatal enchantment that binds
My evil affections,
And bring me to a happy mind that rests in thee,
For thou hast made me and canst not forget me.
Let thy Spirit teach me the vital lessons of Christ,
For I am slow to learn;
And hear thou my broken cries.

2011-10-08T14:31:00.004-04:00

we went rampant in the forest
lifted our hands wide, swirling around trees as if we were planes weaving through clouds
we smelled flowers and picked them up
explored rivers, creeks and streams
tumbled over small pebbles
then bigger ones

then came the day
she disappeared into the forest
with footsteps which i could not trace
leaving me to wonder
to stare into space

was the woods a reality?
the play just a play?
these thoughts i kept
more in the past
less now
i could not understand why

then it dawned on me
the memories we shared
they were deep and real
but painful to keep
time cannot return
and in moving forward
the memories may be like little pebbles
pretty but slowing us down

apologetically,
i realise
some point in life
i may have been that girl
and in so,
i understand the choices that have been made

letting go
with my best prayers and wishes
that though these memories stay
the new forest is ever greener
that more children join your laughter
swirling and swirling
around the forests
we will both find the way

2011-09-25T21:22:00.001-04:00

so sad...why do we have to deal with such crap
=(
can't deal with it

2011-09-24T00:18:00.002-04:00

so many things are giving me a headache
so many things that shouldn't have been

it shouldn't be
shouldn't

2011-09-16T07:21:00.002-04:00

After two years of being in the program, I am finally asking this question. What is planning? Actually it has been off and on my mind during the summer. I witnessed some rather negative consequences of planning actions that caused me to question this profession that I am undertaking. I have yet to synthesize and answer, but I have a feeling it would be two very different answers. An idealistic one and what we see on the ground. Whether I choose to/have the chance to pursue the former would be another question.

2011-09-15T07:18:00.000-04:00

Strengthen me to pray with the conviction
that whatever I receive is thy gift,
so that I may pray until prayer be granted,
Teach me to believe that all degrees of mercy arise
from several degrees of prayer,
that when faith is begun it is imperfect and must grow,
as chapped ground opens wider and wider until rain comes

So shall I wait thy will, pray for it to be done,
and by thy grace become fully obedient

The Divine Will, The Valley of Vision

2011-09-14T07:11:00.000-04:00

May I always be subordinate to thee,
be dependent upon thee,
be found in the path where thou dost walk,
and where thy Spirit moves,
take heed of estrangement from thee,
of becoming insensible to thy love.

The Mover, The Valley of Vision

2011-09-04T10:58:00.000-04:00

finally got there and it was beautiful =)

2011-08-27T00:03:00.002-04:00

often enough, MVs shoot hundreds of people walking pass while a person stands still in the middle of a busy street (only in asia)

i kindof feel like that sometimes... even when i may be very busy,sometimes i forget that and lose a track of what i am doing but the world still goes on.

it's especially difficult when i forget the purpose behind the things i do and begin to do them blindly.

what happened to all my thoughts and dreams?

2011-08-25T07:08:00.003-04:00

極死我!!!!!!
我本來唸好今日可以做功課, 做我的研究. 預料之外,要幫莫人找資料. 有多些工作,我當然是不是很積極但也沒有非常的不願意
但知識產權不是我那一范,根本不懂.
好了,看了二十多分鐘的資料片,查了將一鍾頭,送了所有的資料,才來了電話說

...其實那些可能用不到,因為我是讀中国人民大学,要用中文的

sighhhhhhhhhh....又白做苦工了

點解不早說?!!!?? 自己的研究還沒完,大樁東西要做.我可以有一星期的時間,自己做自己的事嗎?短暫住在島上,該有多好

沒收穫或答覆當然不是第一次
不知我現在掛念的人都過得好嗎?

我寫中文寫得很苦.實在是太慢了...

2011-08-18T23:09:00.003-04:00

i used to like that i didn't care that much about money. For example, I would rather choose a low-paying job that is interesting and meaningful over a monotonous job that earns a lot.

i am only starting to realise that it is because i have money (living comfortably) that i can say i don't care about money, and it is a decision that not everyone can afford...

2011-08-13T12:23:00.003-04:00

最近，搭地鐵時，縂想找位子。坐下來時，心裏卻常希望不會見到大肚，老人家，或小孩。 taking me too long to type chinese. when there's people walking leisurely in front of me, i would just be hoping that the person could speed up and not cause me to miss my train. why can't people stay on the right if they know they are going to be slow? arghh...
i get annoyed when people are talking too loudly on the train...from all demographics. it really affects my reading. but after work, i wish i could have some quiet time of my own. i don't know why we always have to end up discussing about how much i have to eat or whether i have had sufficient intake of vitamin c for the day. just really a little ridiculous and excessive. i guess i am semi independent (haha...yea, still dependent on some!) i also seem to be avoiding some things....trying to fight for my own time. idk, there's always so much to do.... haven't...not...yet...done!

but but whattt am i thinking? i don't know ?! sometimes, argh... where is the love that should be flowing through??

anyways, i had a conversation with someone and i was talking about how i like hong kong but think that it is a city with lots of problems. the extreme and unequal distribution of wealth, and the response of the government who is adamant in supporting the wealthy to become wealthier and the poor to become poorer is an issue that i am trying to understand. her response was interestingly and maybe typical of what the former class would say. that people who voice out these issues and protest are or are fighting for people who do not work hard enough, or seek opportunities to create wealth and an open opportunities economy. it is inevitable that there will be people left behind. it is just that these people cannot accept the fact.
i did not agree but i did say that perhaps it is because of Christianity that i see things different from others like her. Actually, it might be so but maybe not. I am still not well informed in this but i should think more seriously about it if i have time.

lately, there's also something that i am not too happy about. the truth is, i feel annoyed that my "sacrifices" or efforts are not reaping any results. of course, i am sad for other reasons too.

May I always remember that God is love and God knows best.

2011-08-12T02:11:00.002-04:00

it's easier to make money from money...

錢揾錢

點解...

我不信
希望永遠是這樣

2011-07-27T11:57:00.002-04:00

arghh...
i really don't like clocks that are 18 minutes faster than the real time
thought it was past 12 so i connected to internet ...turns out it's only 11.55!
so i'm paying 10hkd for 4 minutes of internet. why?.........

2011-07-25T11:48:00.000-04:00

Yes, and I will rejoice, 19for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, 20as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death.

2011-07-23T11:45:00.000-04:00

being in hk really draws u into the whole consumerism culture

17Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. 18For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. 20But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.
~ Philippians 3

2011-07-13T04:24:00.001-04:00

so excited!! completed data entry!
and there's a really exciting project that another Prof asked me to be involved in! Hope we'll get to do it!!!

gonna be so busy!

2011-07-12T02:13:00.000-04:00

今日的經句

羅馬書 8:31-39
31 既是這樣，還有甚麼說的呢？神若幫助我們，誰能敵擋我們呢？

32 神既不愛惜自己的兒子，為我們眾人捨了，豈不也把萬物和他一同白白的賜給我們麼？

33 誰能控告神所揀選的人呢？有神稱他們為義了（或作：是稱他們為義的神麼）

34 誰能定他們的罪呢？有基督耶穌已經死了，而且從死裡復活，現今在神的右邊，也替我們祈求（有基督 . . . . 或作是已經死了，而且從死裡復活，現今在神的右邊，也替我們祈求的基督耶穌麼）

35 誰能使我們與基督的愛隔絕呢？難道是患難麼？是困苦麼？是逼迫麼？是飢餓麼？是赤身露體麼？是危險麼？是刀劍麼？

36 如經上所記：我們為你的緣故終日被殺；人看我們如將宰的羊。

37 然而，靠著愛我們的主，在這一切的事上已經得勝有餘了。

38 因為我深信無論是死，是生，是天使，是掌權的，是有能的，是現在的事，是將來的事，

39 是高處的，是低處的，是別的受造之物，都不能叫我們與神的愛隔絕；這愛是在我們的主基督耶穌裡的。

2011-07-11T01:50:00.001-04:00

past few days was spent in the windowless office working ....work
coz one of my coworkers took leave and another sick leave, i got to spend lunchtime on my own
chinese u has a pretty nice pond (man-made, but still nice) with benches all around
$19.50 for a yummy takeaway 四寶飯. took it to the pondside and had a tranquil picnic=)

For the beauty of the earth,
For the beauty of the skies,
For the love which from our birth
Over and around us lies,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.

For the beauty of each hour
Of the day and of the night,
Hill and vale, and tree and flower,
Sun and moon and stars of light,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.

For the joy of human love,
Brother, sister, parent, child,
Friends on earth, and friends above,
Pleasures pure and undefiled,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.

For each perfect gift of thine,
To our race so freely given,
Graces human and divine,
Flowers of earth and buds of heaven,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.

For thy Church which evermore
Lifteth holy hands above,
Offering up on every shore
Her pure sacrifice of love,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.

2011-07-09T04:19:00.000-04:00

i want to walk in sand under the sun

unclogging

2011-07-06T06:40:00.004-04:00

今日可以自己選擇不準時下班,就寫機句吧!
還好,買了京都念慈庵川贝琵琶膏,我還沒生病!這星期的"死亡周"快要結束了! 就算我喉嚨現在癢癢的也無所謂.這應該感謝主的.
不打中文了, 沒那麼多餘的時間!

filtering....

not sure if i've been truly busy for the past while but i am quite exhausted. i want to sleep! =)haven't had time/took the time to reflect on things. haven't done pd. haven't done stuff. haven't met up with friends. haven't done much except for work.which is quite fun. aiyaa....

could it be that in the hectic city life, one finds it harder to find quietness? perhaps...

want to spend some time resting. walking around, listening. going up the mountains or somewhere less dense. somehow, everyday, i feel selfish. have to think of spending time here and there, with whom and whom.

one thing i can cut out is the shopping. should probably only go once per month or something. yet again, it is leisure time- time spent with family? quite =S how the more one is exposed to the commercial and consumption lifestyle, the more one is drawn to it. people end up buying things that have little user value.
rather drag so and so to the outdoors.

so far, the most quiet space is the office for me. with internet. without anyone around. nothing to interrupt my thoughts. lots of books. nice. i really like the smell of books...there is just this aura of mystery in it...so rich, so wealthy. chinese u has great canteens and great food. so cheap. get plenty of exercise too...with all the hills and slopes. great coworkers and boss =) great snacks corner.

today's the 7th day of doing questionnaires. For the first time, i got scolded by a lady. Was quite pathetic, had to stand there and listen to her rantings. Sigh...i wanted to walk away, but i didn't want to respect CU's reputation so i let it be. my throat is starting to itch. hope the 慈庵川贝琵琶膏 will save it.

still haven't checked out CU's fellowship. should pop by tmr. should do it before i don't feel like moving. feel quite bad/sorry sometimes but quite selfish at the same time. don't want to go home too early coz i won't be able to do anything. not a studying environment. not possible due to hard and soft factors.

one month passeddddddddddd! o dear. i should really take this saturday to take a step back and think about thiings. if not time will slip away really quickly like it always does. these things are not within my grasp.

not doing and don't know what to do about the family. should really be praying more about it. work is such a cup of tea but shouldn't be my refuge. i'm starting to like the nice warm weather. oddly. realized that people here dress really conservatively (in a certain fashion) compared to some other places. all these random thoughts clogging up.

i don't really know why and when but Hong Kong has become a challenging city. Generally and personally. quite true that young people shoud enjoy the days they have, coz there aren't that many more days when we "can do what we want" (to a certain extent). I should perhaps spend some time thinking about my dream and planning it. At this stage, I don't know enough to even call it a goal. Also don't know enough to guage if it's realistic . Even if i were to pursue it, things probably won't be that straight forward unless it is made that easy for me. I'm starting to realise a little bit of the responsibilites that comes with growing older. Just a little. And just as a bystander...

there are really no absolutes in this world (in this world). sigh...haven't quite grasped. so strange so short term yet such a seeming need for people to strive to own houses. i can see why though...
so many immeasurable and incalculable things.
but i don't believe in luck. nothing like chance.

should take some time to go buy the dvd player...

which book should i bring home today...?

約書亞記 1:9

9 我豈沒有吩咐你麼？你當剛強壯膽！不要懼怕，也不要驚惶；因為你無論往那裡去，耶和華 ─ 你的　神必與你同在。

there are so many things far more important than now! should really take a step back to let it sink in and not simply let it be.....

2011-06-29T22:31:00.002-04:00

是非黑白
寫不出來

2011-06-12T05:48:00.003-04:00

...breaking the chinese trend since I use too much chinese at work anyways...

Through work, i have been exposed to the controversial Hegemony issue in Hong Kong. Though I have not read extensively on the subject, it saddens me to learn about the Churches' and Christians' role and participation in creating some of the injustice and oppression in the society. My friend told me it is just the tip of the ice berg and that people are turning away in disgust.

The Fellowship of the Believers

42 And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. 43 And awe [1] came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. 44 And all who believed were together and had all things in common. 45 And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. 46 And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, 47 praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.

What happened to that?

2011-06-02T10:29:00.004-04:00

感謝主
感謝你，在我懷疑的時候提醒我
感謝你，在我脆弱時扶持我
感謝你，在我身邊擺了那麽多鼓勵我的人

感謝你，沒收了我自己的力量，讓我真正體會到靠自己的力量是不行的
就算我們有多可惡，多叛逆，在我們眼裏情況有多差
你也都為我們付出了最大的愛

感謝讚美主，現在將要去香港
知道會面臨的問題會不簡單
也爲了那邊的事感到緊張
求主幫我用謙卑的心學習侍奉

謝謝華華提醒我神的話，我要把它記下

羅馬書15：13
但願使人有盼望的神，因信將諸槃的喜樂平安充滿你們的心，使你們籍著聖靈的能力大有盼望
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

唯一的避难所

2011-05-26T12:46:00.004-04:00

有不开心的事就是大事
从来不知怎么表达
最后都是用逃避的方式解决
一个人缩起来
不想谈

其实，不是不想
但没特意让别人知道
自己苦恼，
自己发牢骚，
埋怨没人关心，关怀
整天在家里又是想这些
但见到亲戚朋友
和朋友的问候
我都不想回答

有时，觉得很可怜
想当年，到底也算是个优生
今日也不比别的逊
因为没驾照，没车
而错过太多太多的机会
再怎么努力也没用
之后又怀疑自己表现得不够好
可以更好
努力了很久之后
也费劲了力气
剩下的是一堵泄气
成天做些没意义的事

每天很平淡，却过得很辛苦
早上起来，想说今天是新的一天
不要浪费时间，今天就做些有用的吧
但望着电脑又没人答复，数着一天一天的过去
就觉得很难

其实我经历的是很小的波浪
我的反应不该是这样
但假装没事是骗人的

这全部，是神的计划吗？
我想奉献社会，难道是我自己的想法？
现在却只顾自己
很虚伪

我不够用功吗？
如过这是该发生的事，那我不理它可以吗？
心里不该这么叛逆
你要在这段时间磨练我什么吗？
我恐怕学不到

我最不喜欢等待
看不到前面的路
都不知道该做些什么
明知自己太软弱
投入你的怀抱
想要跟随，但自己却放不下

求你打开我的眼睛
让我看到你的光
让你的力量扶持我
让我爱你
求主你的恩手永不离开我

我不是不应该逃避
是应该逃到唯一的避难所

詩篇91篇

住在至高者隱密處的，必住在全能者的蔭下。

我要論到耶和華說：他是我的避難所，是我的山寨，是我的神，是我所倚靠的。

他必救你脫離捕鳥人的網羅和毒害的瘟疫。

他必用自己的翎毛遮蔽你；你要投靠在他的翅膀底下；他的誠實是大小的盾牌。

你必不怕黑夜的驚駭，或是白日飛的箭，

也不怕黑夜行的瘟疫，或是午間滅人的毒病。

雖有千人仆倒在你旁邊，萬人仆倒在你右邊，這災卻不得臨近你。

你惟親眼觀看，見惡人遭報。

耶和華是我的避難所；你已將至高者當你的居所，

禍患必不臨到你，災害也不挨近你的帳棚。

因他要為你吩咐他的使者，在你行的一切道路上保護你。

他們要用手托著你，免得你的腳碰在石頭上。

你要踹在獅子和虺蛇的身上，踐踏少壯獅子和大蛇。

神說：因為他專心愛我，我就要搭救他；因為他知道我的名，我要把他安置在高處。

他若求告我，我就應允他；他在急難中，我要與他同在；我要搭救他，使他尊貴。

我要使他足享長壽，將我的救恩顯明給他。

2011-05-19T14:39:00.002-04:00

没人在家
先是猛弹钢琴
现是坐在楼梯上

才真正发觉
自己有多削弱，有多恐怖，多自私

活在自己世界里
仿佛那就是全部
对于别人的事
是瞎子
聋子
心，硬邦邦的

一只昆虫刚跨过窗栏

其实没什么大不了的
我只想开始
不想停留于现在
不想谈这件事
但付出的努力都白费
很不甘心

我知道这不是在我掌握之内
现在也无心再尝试
难道这就是最好的吗？
好想不敢怀疑

振扎的事太多了
可以让我做个了断吗？
可以让我放开心躺，赞美你吗？
可以让我有感谢的心来荣耀你吗？

谢谢你不放弃我。

2011-05-18T01:50:00.002-04:00

本来想说些发泄的话，想说要放弃了

但你不让我

读完之后

要感谢
对不起
谢谢

2011-05-16T20:27:00.002-04:00

what do You want. what do i want. sigh, the audacity.
sorry.
i think i deserve it. we'll see. if it's not meant to be, then it's not.

how am i going to do anything. blah.

did anyone even test this out. not user friendly at all.
resistant to change. i want the old one.

又到了我无理取闹的时间。不是搞错，也不是巧合。怎么办？

迷你身体人员沤肥那土肉热艘日测试

真要命！

2011-05-10T22:43:00.004-04:00

it is supposed to be played gently and worshipfully but i hit the keys hard
the pounding noise. couldn't be quiet.
so tired. the drag. the wait.
again. louder.
the delusion that by repetition, i would exhaust it all and make my heart less heavy.

1 Unless the LORD builds the house,
the builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the guards stand watch in vain.
2 In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to those he loves.

it's almost a month since term end. almost five since i started. the initial energy and excitement long gone. so much wasted effort. so many false hopes.

it's as if time has weight which grows more unbearable with time.
Despite the lyrics, Naomi's voice played inside of me. so many times, the Israelites were blessed but they grumbled. if i were in the desert, i fear the wrath of God would have fallen on me. Yet I still live. I breathe.

It is merciful kindness. God, forgive the rotten heart that blames while knowing. Forgive it that has become blind to the Goodness that surrounds. Forgive for such an unworthy offering.

Lord, give me a fearful and cheerful servant heart.

2011-04-17T22:56:00.005-04:00

我喜欢一个人站在桥上，观察人流走动。车子跑，脚踏车骑过，细心地看四月春天的雪飘落下来。
一瞬间，雪又突然猛下。

天与地，虽然联系，但交叉时，看到的却是我们脆弱，无奈的一面。

昨天刚考完大学二年级的考试。这期间实在过得太快，没办法记录全部的点点滴滴。不知道是人老了还是怎么样，发现自己有空时，都不介意静静地让它过去。

crispy baked curry chicken with maple syrup glaze and bak gu teh poached organic seaweed

2011-04-15T01:41:00.003-04:00

my intellectual buddies =)

life renewed

2011-04-11T12:56:00.004-04:00

14th day of growth!

Credits: God's Providence + Janice's hard work =)

2011-03-31T04:53:00.002-04:00

studying is fun when i can concentrate and stay awake
i know we went through those facts in lectures. the hundred thousands of people out in the cold. i'm scared and sad at the same time.

2011-03-29T21:10:00.003-04:00

Yet he saved them for his name’s sake,
to make his mighty power known.

Yet he took note of their distress
when he heard their cry;
for their sake he remembered his covenant
and out of his great love he relented.
He caused all who held them captive
to show them mercy.

2011-03-28T10:51:00.002-04:00

just a few days ago, sounds of life resurfaced
scurrying cross lots and ambivalent quack filled air
life had returned to its normal pace
again

but scorned we were by nature
as spring unfolded itself
scars laid bare once more
past grappled with present

then,the whites flurried
so hurriedly they came
unable to push away what had emerged
throw a blanket over and pretend

oh,
has the past forgotten the future
or has past been entraped by the present
it is time to let go

cruel cruel spring

2011-03-25T17:16:00.010-04:00

there's just so much that i feel uneasy about. I get annoyed, frustrated and indignant about how things turn out. I want to spell it out and lash out or sth. i become aware of how i'm feeling and i try to keep myself in check. pray about it. be calm, but they probably already can see it wearing on my face.

so we kept it amicable and parted. but that was not the end of it. i was seething as i walked away. wanted to complain to someone somewhere. wanted very much to be heard, to be comforted, to be assured that everything would work out the way i wanted things to

then i remembered this prayer:

Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there is hatred let me bring your love,
Where there is injury your pardon Lord,
And where there's doubt true faith in you.

Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope,
Where there is darkness, only light,
And where there's sadness, ever joy.

O Master grant that I may never seek,
So much to be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of your peace,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
In giving to all men that we receive
And in dying that we are born to eternal life.

2011-03-23T01:26:00.001-04:00

2011-03-19T13:32:00.004-04:00

When I said, "My foot is slipping"
Your love, O Lord, supported me
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul."

Ps 94: 18-19

I guess I was stressed this week. In my mind, I knew very well whom I ought to turn to and lift my worries to. But I dwelled and weighed on it by distracting myself and procrastinating.

Then unexpected good things happened. After interviewing a planner from the Public Health department in uptown Waterloo, I walked past a christian bookstore and came out with 2 books and ~$26 less! Bought a book for myself entitled "Cry of the Urban Poor" which is interesting cause it includes urban issues and church planting in slums. But i guess I should try to do some school work and leave the book for work term reading.

2011-03-16T02:37:00.004-04:00

Jo told me I was mean to her. I got defensive, reflected and concluded that what she said was true. I take delight in poking fun at her cause it's fun and she's family. But I guess she doesn't appreciate so I shouldn't do it anymore.

Interesting how a little of the discussion during the Evangelism workshop went to spiritual dryness. What happens when you are in that place, and feel uncomfortable/unmotivated to share the gospel?

I don't know about grad dinner. Yea...i agree that it shouldn't be a burden to anyone as it seems to be. And it shouldn't be burden shifting either. that's very wrong. hmmm. Grads will understand. So I'm not going to burden myself unnecessarily.

what should i do. group projects, research overload, unresponsive team members, arghhhh.....panick a little. stress out? get mad at them? fidget. swing my leg. binge.

Stop. Stop. Stop.
pray
breathe

造

2011-03-06T16:30:00.004-05:00

It's in the background. I learned this in my first class for Geography of China 202 in fall term. My prof is atheist so he prob doesn't realise the amazing stuff he put in his lecture slide when he was explaining chinese characters. Each ideogram represents something and it is definitely not by coincidence.

Amazing!

2011-03-05T15:50:00.000-05:00

"Forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors."
Every day Christ's followers must acknowledge and bewail their guilt. Living as they do in fellowship with him, they ought to be sinless, but in practice their life is marred daily with all manner of unbelief, sloth in prayer, lack of bodily discipline, self-indulgence of every kind, envy, hatred and ambition.

From The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

O how it describes so many of the sins i am aware of. the sins that i ought not to but choose to ignore and the sins that i struggle with.

Remind me how small I am, how Great You are, and how much I need you!

Thank you Lord for the prayer we can so confidently and reverently pray

After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, as in heaven, so on earth. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And bring us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses

Matthew 6:9-15

2011-03-01T13:25:00.000-05:00

It's nice how people can be so easy going about everything. I am little sarcastic, cynical and envious about it.

On the wall

2011-02-21T17:01:00.003-05:00

everytime i visit my Grandfather (gonggong! so old and fit=D)i'll look at the words painted on the wall in Cummer Lodge.

"The greatest gift in life is to love and to be loved."

I think it's partly true, but more so of this,

"The greatest gift in life is to love God and to let Him love you."

<3

Reflections on TTC Subway Delays

2011-02-19T21:48:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was the third time that I experienced a termination in subway service. The fact that I rarely even take the TTC yet still have 3 of such experiences says a lot. There are many reasons for the delay. It could be due to garbage that catches on fire on the track, people committing suicide jumps, injury on platform level etc.

In any case, it was announced when I got on Dundas that train service would terminate from Bloor to Eglinton, and there would then be shuttle buses available. When I got to Eglinton, like previous experiences, there was hardly anyone guiding the crowd. Even if there was, they were without loudspeakers and could only communicate to a limited few. I followed the crowd and waited for the shuttle service for a long time but could not get on. Then a chief supervisor came along and told us to just grab a cup of coffee cause the train service was going to resume in another 20 minutes (there would then be no point waiting for the bus since hardly anyone could get on). After 20 minutes, there were no announcements and another ttc staff told me that the subway wasn't going to resume for another 3 hours. So I went back to my spot, waiting for a bus. When I finally got on, midway on the ride to Eglinton, the bus driver announced that the TTC has just resumed their train service and everyone booed.

In total, it took me 3 hours to get home to Finch from Dundas.
Objectively speaking, I think the word ‘chaos’ aptly describes the situation and there is certainly room for improvement. During the 3 hour waiting time, I had a lot of time to think. Below, I have adapted the classic emergency management approach to evaluate and suggest some constructive feedback for the present TTC subway emergency planning system.

Mitigation:
Last year, TTC decided to install platform screens and expected installation would begin in 2013. There is a lot of controversy over these installations because each stations' fixture is expected to amount to 10 million (The slow implementation of this is due to the fact that trains have to align somewhat perfectly to the screendoors, which is only possible through after TTC’s upgrade to automated train operations in 2 years). In terms of non-structural mitigations, TTC has been conducting trainings for their staff with regards to identifying suspicious behaviour and intervention techniques in the ‘Gatekeeper Program’. However, not all this is useful as even if operators manage a quick response, trains are most probably unable to halt in time.

Preparedness:
TTC is severely lacking in this. The staff was clearly as misinformed as the commuters and nobody had no idea what was going on. There should be proper signage and guidance for shuttle buses, ready to use in all stations. The PA systems on the trains and in the stations are out-dated and underutilised. If upgrading cost is too high, at the least, loudspeakers should be made available for staff to disseminate instructions (especially when directing the crowd to the pickup locations for the shuttle buses on ground level).

Response:
A quicker and more effective bottom-up reporting and top-down instruction management system needs to be in place. A more accurate estimation of the number of shuttle buses needed is crucial. Using the GIS system, perhaps TTC could identify the nearest buses to the affected area and divert some of these drivers to aid in the emergency situation. TTC should simultaneously communicate with the radio station or media outlets to broadcast the issue so drivers and commuters alike can make other travel choices or take other routes to avoid the jam on ground level.

Recovery:
It’s difficult to comment on this (because the ‘build back better’ concept can’t be used in this context…hahaha) except to highlight that TTC has long-term post traumatic counselling and a peer support for staff who have to live on with the horror of witnessing someone jump or running them over.

I do feel sorry for the people who jumped and the people who inevitably “killed” them. I also feel bad that I actually get frustrated when a person just ended their life. But beyond that, I believe these suicide track cases can be handled better. Although some say that having the safety screen is just an indication that the distressed would simply find other places to take their lives, I cannot agree completely with that view. Any chance in preventing people from committing suicide, whether it be in the form of physical barriers or human intervention is good and should be advocated.

Also, the truth is I have no idea how many of these chaotic situations boils down to track jump cases, but improvements in emergency planning would definitely come in useful in the non-suicide related times as well. Each disruption in service could cost someone to miss their opportunity in making a business deal, securing a job at an interview, getting a pass in a midterm, or even the last chance to see their dying mother. Since TTC considers itself as the third largest public transit system in North America, it should aim to be way more functional, especially if we are trying to get more people to reduce automobile usage and increase transit use.

These inconvenience and unreliable services are precisely the reasons preventing higher commuter rates. Our response comes in the question that remains to be answered: Are we willing to let our cities be cities of parasites or the most efficient social organizations possible?

Plans for Reading Week!

2011-02-18T02:30:00.002-05:00

School Stuff:
-have fun reading GIS textbook
-have fun doing the Vector II exercise
-reading readings that i missed out (esp for PL 341)
-Taiwan Earthquake Research
-City of Bath Research
-Food Deserts Research
-Maybe jobmine?

Interest:
-swim
-ice-skate?
-cook
-bake
-learn more about housing issues
-learn more about international planning
-read news
-get on with leviticus
-read christian stuff
-work on secret transit project on sketchup
-play the violin
-watch 127 hours?
-go to clay and glass gallery?
-email people
-skypeeee
-mail something off

chores:
-laundry
-back-up
-erm...vacuum?

Yes! I'm so glad the interest list is way longer than the school list, which is shorter than the chores list! So good...if anyone would like to join me on any of these activities, please do so!

a perfectly nice day

2011-02-17T15:35:00.003-05:00

was planning to take a quick nap and then study for my midterm. unfortunately, my nap turned into sleep and i woke up with hardly any time left to prepare for the test.

but there was something magical about today. so warm, the snow melting, birds singing. catching up with people. reading the GDR exhibit at ML. replying to emails. getting bubbletea. looking out from the E5 bridge. going for biblestudy n syc. walking and singing in the rain.

on days like these, it's great to be able to put work aside and just appreciate!

Ps 27:4

2011-02-14T15:09:00.002-05:00

One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire in his temple.

Lyrics:
Your laughter it echoes like a joyous thunder
Your whisper it warms me like a summer breeze
Your anger is fiercer than the sun in its splendor
You're close and yet full of mystery
Ever since the day that I saw Your face
Try as I may, I can not look away, can not look away...

Captivated by You
I am captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty of Your face

Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my gaze
I become more like You and my heart is changed
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my view
Transform me into the likeness of You

This is what I ask, for all my days
That I may, never look away, never look away...

Captivated by You
Captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon your beauty
Fixed upon your beauty

No other could ever be as beautiful
No other could ever steal my heart away

No other could ever be as beautiful
No other could ever steal my heart away

Just can't look away...

I am captivated by You
Captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze
Fixed upon the beauty
Fixed upon the beauty
Fixed upon the beauty of Your face
Beauty of Your face

someday in feb

2011-02-11T10:52:00.004-05:00

i can't explain how i am .......
i am ....... but i can't say it. it's prob not good to be ....... but then this is it.

blogging is so stupid sometimes. u want to get it out and heard but u don't really want to. so i have to resort to this.

title: Airhead- an obstruction to my studying

Mark 2a and others

2011-02-05T23:11:00.004-05:00

The paralytic and his friends made an opening in the roof to get to Jesus. It is that bizarre. Sometimes, even when the bible is opened, the reverence, the appreciation and the desperation is sorely lacking.

What makes one desperate to seek God? It is because of something as radical as "going through the roof" that "When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven."

This is amazing. It is. But why don't I feel it or why am I not in awe?

Am I living like my sins are forgiven? Or am I even seeking to have them forgiven? It is encouraging to know that Jesus called Levi first.

And Levi followed.

I should listen. It is time to put an end to being indulgent and ignoring the Holy Spirit. When I say I love food too much, people just laugh and agree that food is good. Or they just tease me, shake their head, or say I eat too much. Everyone agrees that it is good in moderation or else well, just go to the gym...but that's not the point. When it becomes an addiction and beyond self control, it doesn't matter whether circumstances afford, when sales happen "once in a blue moon", when good food just happens to be around. It's quite hilarious but not even a joke. It is a strange sin...not that it didn't have a history nor updated version in today's world. But a sin is a sin, it shouldn't just be sidelined.

I shouldn't not love food. Food talks are interesting. Cooking and baking is fun. Sometimes, it's feels like I should purge the stuff that I eat (not bulimia) and scrub myself clean with hyssop. Other times it feels like I'm still young and have a high metabolism. Sometimes it seems like my over-indulgence is a stark insult to those barely surviving. Others times, i remember that food production is not the problem, it's the distribution. It is a blessing from God; it is a gift that I shouldn't pervert.

Such a messy battle. It is hard to repent for something that is so regular but uncommon, so contemporary but traditional, so trivial yet so vital. I shouldn't defile the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit. For I am not my own but bought with a price.

It's so confusing. Lord, straighten it out please.

I love food. It shouldn't be something that I hate as well.

Spring Cleaning

2011-02-05T03:31:00.001-05:00

spent 6 hours doing 2 loads of laundry, vacuumed and stuff....
so tired

i don't want to do spring cleaning again
not for another year
...

is this a joke?

2011-02-04T01:04:00.002-05:00

i had difficulty answering questions about the aboriginal people during my interview yesterday with the northern and indian affairs....i didn't read up enough on it and so i didn't have that much to say

today, i'm doing a whole lot of readings on aboriginal people for my social planning course

-_-

maybe it's not meant to be.
sighhhh.

Interesting day

2011-02-02T12:41:00.002-05:00

Had a phone interview just now. It was kindof fun but also nerve-wrecking coz I couldn't answer some of the questions about Aboriginal people...I guess I could have prepared more. But what I didn't expect was they would ask questions in French! And my french is quite terrible... haha, I did say in french that I can't speak well in French....so stupid coz they would have realized by the time I said it.

And after class, I talked to a Prof intentionally for the first time!!! (Don't judge me) I just have problems asking questions...like what do I ask, where do I start, and worries that all I'm asking are dumb questions (probably true). But the prof was so nice and so fun to talk with! Actually, it was more of a monologue which was great coz that means I didn't have to say much.

All in all, it was very fun talking to him, I just wished I did better for my first midterm so it wouldn't appear like I'm a dumb student who just needs lots of help (which might also be true). Oh well....he's nice.

But anyways, I've realised something from this experience.
1. Being a prof's daughter doesn't capacitate you to talking to profs.
2. Profs ramble....which is very nice.
3. I should talk more and to more profs!

That's all

Phlippians 3

2011-01-29T10:46:00.002-05:00

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead"

It must have been one of Hudson Taylor's favourite verse since I read it many times in his book (The spiritual secrets of Hudson Taylor). Reading it over and over again, I wonder if I ever thought about it seriously.

My question was, do we have to share in his suffering in order to know Christ? Some of the points raised during the discussion last night was

-Suffering is a way that God uses to discipline those whom he love and is a confirmation of our legitimacy as children of God (Hebrews 12)
-God refines us and teaches us during certain trials to develop perseverance and faith (James 1)
-We don't necessarily have to suffer to receive salvation

The point of this passage may not be this but that is what strikes me most because unlike Paul, I have nothing to boast about -_-
As much as I agree with all the above views, I am more inclined towards the point that my sister talked about. Suffering does not bring salvation but it does come along with it. To deny yourself and to pick up the cross. Is that not suffering? Isn't that the cost of discipleship?

We do not have to seek it. Suffering comes naturally, in all forms. Sometimes we are unprepared for it but sometimes we know it is coming. It is when we realise what awaits us do we fear, cringe, and rebel in our hearts, unwilling to make even a little sacrifice. That is why, for me, it is difficult to sing lyrics like "I will go to the ends of the earth, for You" or "I can sing of your love forever". I'm not sure if I should be concentrating on the fact that God's love is so everlasting that it can and should be worthy of eternal praise or the fact that "I", as the actor of worship and having past failures, probably cannot in my own strength promise that.
But it does seem like not many other people have problems with that.

This conflict of wanting to know Christ more but not willing to go through any moulding is terribly sad.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. "

God, please let me forget the past and fix my eyes and mind only on you.

never knew

2011-01-27T10:49:00.003-05:00

cough could make me so sick

sigh...

the cough syrup is making me very drowsy, i just wanna go to sleep

cough remedies

2011-01-23T23:15:00.002-05:00

apparently dark chocolate (good quality) helps to relieve coughing....perfect excuse!

others include raw crushed garlic and honey drink =S

maybe i'll try that sometime

Injustice

2011-01-22T11:29:00.002-05:00

All of us have experienced some sort of injustice in our lives. It could have been knowing that our peers were cheating in their schoolwork but not being able to do anything about it, or maybe it was our parents always giving extra goodies to the youngest kid. That fact that it happens in such trivial sense still translates into horror when one discovers that this injustice happens on national and global scales.

I haven't been reading news regularly for the past while but this is what struck me most. The injustice in Tunisia, India, North Korea, etc. The first for the youths just trying to make ends meet when the political elites are just splurging the country's wealth on their 10th porsch or ferrari. In the widely "democratic" country of India, people are just suffering for an Act to the rights to information. The story of Mr Jethwa and his pursuit to uncover and stop illegal mining activites that were contaminating the aquifer was terminated by his assassination. His father had begged him to abandon his efforts in fear of what those with perverted authority would do to his son but Mr Jethwa persisted and told his father to forget that he had such a son. In North Korea, I don't know where to start. I don't know enough, will never. How can one ruin so many lives? It just breaks my heart to see such things. I wonder if I'll ever live to see the day the North and South reunifies.

Reading news is sometimes exciting, encouraging, enlightening but often sad. Bad news really makes news. But above all these ungodly nations and ungodly people, God looks on. More so than any of us, it must really pain Him to see his people suffering and in angry tears too to see such atrocious acts.

There is sadly nothing much I can do about this except to pray for these people. It also reminds me that these are things that we all take for granted. But rights are not always rights and reasons not always reasons.

It was Love

2011-01-21T23:45:00.001-05:00

It was Love

It was love that brought You from above
To walk upon the earth
And love that caused Your weariness
Your hunger and Your thirst
It was love that caused You to be tried
And tempted by the foe
And love that brought the nails and cross
And love that bought my soul

Chorus
How wonderful Your love, the mystery of mysteries
Filling up my heart, more glorious than I know
How wonderful Your love
There's nothing else so sweet to me
I'll never be apart from the Lover of my soul
From the Lover of my soul

Your love is filled with holiness
O Spirit, fan this flame
Your love will never cease or cool
Your love will never change
O let me see Your love for me
Around me everywhere
The shining sun, a gentle rain
Remind me of Your care

-Words and Music by Mark Altrogge

unseen

2011-01-20T22:34:00.005-05:00

the laughs and joy of the past
friendly merryness
a blurry mist

the steam train runs
but it is not a pendulum
where cycles always work

what is seen is unobtrusive
or ostensibly offensive
that is the way it is guarded

this moment reaches the center line
but hard it is to step out of the shadow
to be seen to be unseen

random

2011-01-19T22:03:00.001-05:00

i like chocolate. my sister says she doesn't want to see another emo post so this is for her. it's not that i'm trying to be. i try not to be, but maybe i make myself to be.

monday: Gis, i wish i had time to read more of the textbook. it could potentially be way more interesting. some parts of using the tool is just clicking stuff, but i'm not great at clicking. unfortunately, unlike z&a, i don't have a cs guy sitting next to me. could do with some help. maybe i can do better soon. if i didn't need to spend my time logging into 12 computers before i get logged in.

WSPA: i want to attend policy. some assignments by the ministry of housing. i'm excited. also about volunteering, i'm not sure if i should be going to do the 4 hour shift thing. it seems really time consuming. and all i do is just go there and hangout with the people at the supportive housing thing. must i learn from the grassroot way?

tues: grocery night. i bet all the people who went grocery shopping with us were annoyed. hahahah. as usual, we took the longest to get our groceries. it's not like we didn't write a groceries list. we had everything down except for special on-sale items. we had a great time buying all sorts of herbs. very fun. and choc for panda and ourselves. feel sorry that i bought so many fruits but can only eat the apple and apple coz i'm coughing.
coughhhhhh

but being in a grocery store is kindof quite bizarre actually. sometimes i just look at the rows of food and it startles me how these were all produced, manufactured and transported. we live in an odd world.

i really want a garden where i can grow my own vegetables and fruits. all natural and organic. this is my ideal dining table

i'm so sorry that food miles are higher than they could have been. i don't know, maybe i should start buying sustainable food. it really is a lifestyle choice. and when will the day come when i stop supporting brands that just rip the poor farmers and growers of their income and leave them barely surviving?

Jobmine is strange. i went on and checked the posting too early. when i found some international jobs, it was too late or i got lazy. the exercise the make us do is ok i guess, but in real life, i would just go according to my own ethics. Our response are a result of a great many things afterall.

2011-01-16T13:44:00.002-05:00

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me

there is this disgusting disobedience in my heart
it makes me feel so weary and ashamed
a part of me wants that to be known, to unmask this hypocritical and selfish me
but it is not something to be made public about, and not all about me
still, i guess i have chosen it to be
tied down, heavy-hearted, too revealing for my own knowledge

i want to run away, yet i know i shouldn't
so i resisted and tried to do other things
those have only made me more restless
focus and concentration escapes me

i had no choice but to hear His words
His instructions are clear
Kind words He speaks, full of mercy
I knew this was coming that's why I didn't want to read

Why must it be this way?
Why?
Unconvinced, I turn to another page and another again
Why does the words speak so much to me?
Why do I pray for guidance yet refuse to listen?
Why?
Why does my heart disobey?
Should I weep for me?

O Lord, I'm so weak
Send your angels to guard me
let me not fall into the pits
take away the sin that advances and poisons
let me hope and wait on you

A Bad Lover

2011-01-14T10:12:00.005-05:00

one snugs in the cozy milieu of reading the love letters, but isolates and indulges oneself in that love without even trying to share it
or one who gives leftover time to His love

one who uses the excuse of this love to avoid work, or one uses the excuse of work to avoid this love

one who proclaims repeatedly one's love, yet is reluctant to and refuses to listen to the lover or runs away still

one who doubts the love of
one who does not trust
one who lies to

this love

utopian of planning

2011-01-11T18:59:00.004-05:00

the handing out of policies and directives from the office. the frameworks and targets set by a top-down system.

are they followed or merely just an empty skeleton.
the steel structures are set but the concrete have not been patched

the numbers they seem like numbers. when will the day come when they mean a little more than that.

none too idealist. i hope the ends are social.

even while the neighbours scream not here.

traffic sources

2011-01-08T18:55:00.000-05:00

recently, i've come to know that there's this function on Stats where you can see the traffic sources

Although these people prob just clicked wrongly and likely left the page after a one second glance, it still amazes me to think that some people from Russia, Brazil, Denmark etc have chanced upon my blog.

Welcome!

from the Jewish Museum

2011-01-06T21:23:00.003-05:00

Exodus
Law
Land
Covenant

It's very strange for people to think of law as poetry but it is. It's the song of your life

Leah Shaktiel

leaven and honey

2011-01-06T12:29:00.002-05:00

"No grain offering that you bring to the LORD shall be made with leaven, for you shall burn no leaven nor any honey as a food offering to the LORD. " Lev 2:11

for the sorrow of the world worketh death, and a love to the delights of sense is a great enemy to holy love.
~Matthew Henry

the race

2010-12-20T01:46:00.007-05:00

something hard hits my face
it is a tremendous force that keeps me stuck to my spot
i lift up my head and see people stumbling
some run right off and are never again
others fall down but someone comes along to pick them up

still, but time ticks on
the clearer gets blurred
a pause is none
even shadows are seen
but invisibility brings not power to fuel its course

this path is alone when one deems it to be
a deceiving mistaken thought
for friends or foes are chosen not destined
and between the two there lies One
waiting at the mark on both ends

independence breeds jealousy and stupidity
so should i let myself into the light
joyfully tripping, joyfully running
along with many others
into the race again

Still Walking- Life, Death and Family

2010-12-19T13:48:00.001-05:00

Still walking is a critically acclaimed Japanese movie about the death of a brother in the family. The oldest and most doted by his parents, he died early on while trying to save somebody from drowning. His parents turned their mourning into bitterness and hatred. Hatred towards the one he saved and wishing that the second brother was taken away instead.

How does it feel like to have someone so close die? From reading "A Grief Observed", it seems to be a torturous experience for those still living on.

Something that everyone will face someday, eventually. Maybe ageing and dying, are all part of a cycle to turn us to seek what lies ahead.

Mark 12:33

2010-12-16T16:00:00.002-05:00

To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices

O Lord I grew up thinking
thinking I knew your love for me
said you meant everything to me
I'll live my life for you Lord
telling of your love
to the corners of the earth
someday not too long ago
I claimed I loved you too

Then the winds blew
unknowingly,
I pushed these aside
waking & sleeping without hearing your voice
What's more to sing of your love
Masking and cruising, day by day

Then I remembered

What became of my hope
my faith & my life
the race was still on
but where was I?

The shaky ground was not built on rocks
The house was made of cards
shrinking from the test
not obeying, not trusting
not living a holy life
How can I sing of how much I love you Lord?

How can I sing of love at all

last minute prepping

2010-12-15T16:41:00.002-05:00

hello
today i had an exam.
it was not fun.
too long
i miss sleeping.
couldn't remember what i studied so my writing got bigger and bigger
the best part of the exam was the candy cane our prof gave us.
caramel flavour
interesting but not my favourite

so unhealthy.

not the sweet, just me.

Holiness from the Tent

2010-12-13T01:16:00.005-05:00

Our progress in holiness depends on God and ourselves-on God's grace and on our will to be holy
~ Mother Teresa

Since the start of the term, I've been reading OT and more recently Leviticus. I thought I wouldn't...but I did feel like skipping over certain "mundane" and lengthy sections. Reading commentaries and Loving God by Charles Colson really reveals how wrong I was.

The details involved in the construction of the tabernacle, the materials used, measurements, etc. sets the stage for where God says "I will consecrate the Tent of Meeting and the altar and...I will dwell among the Israelites." God promises to pitch His tent and dwell among his people.

Our Holy God, set apart, sinless and blameless, pure in all ways, more than deserves the specifications of a holy tabernacle.

God has given us the gift of the indwelling of the Holy spirit- God in our very presence. How then can we continually and knowingly defile God if our bodies are the holy temple?

"I am the Lord your God; consecrate yourselves and be holy because I am holy."

frenemies

2010-12-09T22:44:00.002-05:00

just yesterday, you were surrounded with friends
glistening and packed, i was pulled to you
so i came near and agreed heartily
all was well! i was excited too

then came today
i was looking around
all day long
i was thinking about you
so i came near and paused to see
what you would think of me

the youthfulness had gone
slowly but surely
i saw less of you
you had lost all your friends

have i made you sad?
i wish i didn't love you too

Last Train Home

2010-12-05T18:12:00.004-05:00

Recently, I watched an award-winning documentary about the plight of some 130 million migrant workers in China. Poverty and the lack of employment opportunities in towns and villages has created a mass rural-urban migration in this vast country.

In school, I remembered being taught about the migrant workers. The figures really didn't mean anything to me then until I caught a glimpse of their lives.

The starting scene was crazy. Every Chinese New Year, the workers would have their annual holiday (their only chance to get home). From the top-view, the umbrellas formed a knitted patchwork, each belonging to one who longed to hop on the train (main mode of transport). Sometimes, these people stood for days in order to get on the train, or even to obtain a ticket. There was no orderly line, but a whole lot of shoveling, pushing, squeezing, crying, people getting injured etc.

The film trailed a couple originally from Sichuan province but who had found work in Guangzhou. The mum of the family hardened her heart when her first-born was barely one to sew clothes in the big city. Although it was a difficult decision to make, it was not a choice for her. So while her husband and her worked her to bring back the bread for her family, her mum took care of her then 17 year old daughter and 12(?) year old son. Long hours of work, substandard housing, and snubbed for being from the country, they suffered and toiled for the young and old. So to have the whole family sit down and to enjoy a reunion dinner 团圆饭 meant everything to them.

The cost of providing for the family far away from home was devastating. With no proper guidance, the Daughter Qin grew up without feeling the love that her parents had for her but were incapable of expressing. Though her parents placed all hopes on her and her brother, -that they would not follow in their parents footsteps but excel in their studies- Qin broke her parent's heart by choosing the same path as them. Consumed by the discovery of a modern china , she worked but spent all her money. The film ends with the mum returning to the village in hope that Qin's brother would, with the love and support, work towards a bright future.

What startled me was the confrontations between Qin and her parents. She blamed her parents for being away, for not caring about her even though she clearly knew that they had no other option. Her parents' only hope rested on their children, on doing well in life and providing for them in their old-age. Yet it seemed like no matter how hard they tried, this hope was robbed and taken away from them. In but one blow of the wind, the light in their candle died out.

The destitution and fragility of this hope
The longings and constant pinning of love.

How many more families are clinging to this crumbled hope? How many more sustained yet broken?

In situations like these and during war times, seeking God is almost unimaginable or impossible.

If only they could know this one and only true hope.

Still, knowing and constantly gripping onto this hope is hard. The moment one turns away from the cross and fixes not upon the Savior, what was once fiery, beautiful and precious becomes not. Left with the knowledge of hope yet not hoping; one cannot possibly turn back, but moving forward seems like a hoax.

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back
(Only Hope-Switchfoot)

If this is the only train home, I hope I can catch a ride.

2010-12-02T13:06:00.001-05:00

The greatest tragedy in life is not unanswered prayer, but unoffered prayer

F.B Meyer

Is God Evil?

2010-11-29T00:56:00.004-05:00

Taken from John Piper-Desiring God

God has ultimate control of all things, including evil,
1. Is God then the author of sin?
2. And why does He will that there be evil in the world?
God rules the world in such
a way that all calamities and all sin remain in His ultimate control and therefore
within His ultimate design and purpose.
evil, I have two kinds in mind, natural and moral.
“Naked I came from my mother’s
womb, and naked I shall return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
blessed be the name of the LORD” (Job 1:21).
“Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?” (Job 2:10)

“I form light and create darkness, I make
well-being and create calamity, I am the LORD, who does all these.” Amos 3:6
He Himself does not commit sin, but He has decreed that there be acts that are sin.
The evil intentions of men cannot frustrate the decrees of God.
Genesis 50:20. He says to his guilty brothers, “As for you, you meant
evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people
should be kept alive, as they are today.”
The hardened disobedience of men’s hearts leads not to the frustration of
God’s plans, but to their fruition.
In the end, one must finally come to see that if there is a God in heaven,
there is no such thing as mere coincidence, not even in the smallest affairs of
life: “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD”
(Proverbs 16:33). Not one sparrow “will fall to the ground without your Father’s
will” (Matthew 10:29, RSV)
To put it in my own words, he said that the infinite complexity
of the divine mind is such that God has the capacity to look at the world
through two lenses. He can look through a narrow lens or through a wideangle
lens.
When God looks at a painful or wicked event through His narrow lens, He
sees the tragedy of the sin for what it is in itself, and He is angered and grieved: “I
have no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Lord GOD” (Ezekiel 18:32).
But when God looks at a painful or wicked event through His wide-angle
lens, He sees the tragedy of the sin in relation to everything leading up to it and
everything flowing out from it.
Sin in itself, and the suffering of the innocent, is abhorrent to God.

Proverbs 16:33 answers: “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is
from the LORD.”
Proverbs 19:21: “Many plans are in a man’s
heart, But the counsel of the LORD will stand” (NASB)
IS GOD THE AUTHOR OF SIN?
Edwards answers, “If by ‘the author of sin,’ be meant the sinner, the agent, or
the actor of sin, or the doer of a wicked thing…it would be a reproach and blasphemy,
to suppose God to be the author of sin. In this sense, I utterly deny God
to be the author of sin.”21 But, he argues, willing that sin exist in the world is
not the same as sinning. God does not commit sin in willing that there be sin.
God has established a world in which sin will indeed necessarily
“sin is not the fruit of any positive
agency or influence of the most High, but on the contrary, arises from the withholding
of his action and energy, and under certain circumstances, necessarily
follows on the want of his influence.”
His willing to order things so that evil should come
to pass, for the sake of the contrary good, is no argument that he
doesn’t hate evil, as evil: and if so, then it is no reason why he may not
reasonably forbid evil as evil, and punish it as such.
So evil is necessary, in order to the highest happiness of the creature,
and the completeness of that communication of God, for which
he made the world;

insidious

2010-11-26T02:16:00.006-05:00

the start of this year, I couldn't feel closer. I sympathized though that is as much as I could feel. God was more powerful, more present, more real than ever. Being constantly inundated in a community with thoughts of god, life and religion was easy enough as I chose it to be. Then came summer and all the support that I had faire construire around me was away. I knew I could not depend on people to always guide me along and feed me thoughts. So I chose to flood myself with the Words of God. Reading and reading, bible and christian books. Some times, it seemed like I was committed and obeying his words, or at least trying to. Other times, I let sin overtake me and rebelled within and beyond me. I wanted it to be on an island- God and I. Isolation does not generate lovingness. It was no Mary but self-fishness- the eagerness to just break away, escape from the torment and the call to love. An easy excuse to bask in God's love. I hung on to this concept. So convinced was I that I remember saying that the worst thing that can happen to me is to be away from God.

Come fall and my house of cards blew away. I've been reading the OT and it's been as dry as ever. Sometimes, I don't actually care that much for what the priest wore or how many cubits the temple was built. The slow invasion and I let it be. Has school work crept on me? Is that what it is? The sun rose and set. The dark was all that was left. I've spent far too much time and effort on things that I know don't matter to me. I claim they don't in my values, but my actions show otherwise. Head and heart misaligned. To glorify God in my studies. What talks were they? School was never a reason for education but perhaps it has become. My friends are all pursuing as best as they can. Good grades, good jobs and the good life. I wanted to go to China for exchange. To witness and to perhaps be a witness. But now that's not happening. At least not next fall. Everyone seems to have figured out everything. I am in the vague direction of wanting to plan for a cause. Some sort of social reason: housing for the poor, development for rural community. Whatever. I don't know.

Sometimes, I really don't know if I can stop being a hypocrite. Or just being doubtful about this whole deal. It's not that I don't enjoy helping out with worship or singing praises to God, it's just that sometimes, I think it's really not my thing. There are so many more people who are qualified for it, so many more who have a passion for it, and many more who can actually sing and mean all the lyrics. Is it time to step away? And to the people that I had been trying to reach to, was God really using me to speak to them? How can I tell them that God loves them and we only have to let God love us back when I myself don't surrender everything to God?

I haven't made time for anything. Reading in waterloo park and sinking into the nature to reflect on God's words and works was great but now seems so distant. It is a similar case for people. I have numbed and disdained myself and those whom I care about from eternally important things. In the past, I would say I tried and my heart broke for those knew but didn't know God. Reading A Grief Observed, it occured to me it might be exactly what C. S. Lewis wrote about.
"If I had really cared, as I thought I did, about the sorrows of the world, I should not have been
so overwhelmed when my own sorrow came. It has been an imaginary faith playing with innocuous counters labelled 'Illness,' 'Pain', 'Death' and 'Loneliness.' I thought I trusted the rope until it mattered to me whether it would bear me. now it matters, and I find I didn't...God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down. "

Does God mean to me as much as I say it does? How could I have loved God in the past yet not love him now? Love cannot be inconsistent. The logic that follows would be that I have never loved Him. Either that, or I have stopped loving Him.

It would be awful if the former was true. That would invalidate and falsify my faith. It might also mean that I'm doomed for hell and whatever that means to me- it's not as if I'm living life any different from an opium addict, who knows their impending death. There is more comfort in the latter, though that is dangerous and miserable too. I, might have depended, trusted and loved Him because of the sufferings and hardships of people around me. I had no choice, so I did so. When that or the people depart from me and I from them, there is nothing to bind me to God and so I love Him less than full and made them suffer the pain in vain. The stakes are even higher because he says to love Him with all our heart, soul and mind. No holding back. I can't be loving him half-hearted. That would discount every atom of love.

There could be many reasons for my present state. Reading portions of the bible that doesn't speak to me. Second year cell location too far from home, too late too cold. Work. Not caring much for studio project but still spending all my time in it because it is a team effort and I don't want my friends to be left with all the work while I go do my own stuff. Besides, they know I'm a Christian. Afterall, what would they think of me and of Christians if I went off for dg instead of helping them when they needed me at the critical moments? So justifiable.

Now I see. It is not school, stress, places or people that have brought me away. It is me. Myself. My sinful nature.

Not praying when I need to. Not delving deeper when I don't get it. Not asking, not seeking. Not wanting to talk about it because I know people have their own burdens and I don't want to be make them feel down or worried about me. I know some people don't mind but maybe I didn't know it myself. Maybe I did know it at the back of my head, but just didn't bring myself to identify the symptoms till now. I don't want to depend on others because I know that ultimately, I am responsible for my own spiritual walk. But yes, I let it slip in, slowly but surely.

This post is really pessimistic. I'm sorry and I hope it doesn't discourage anyone but it's really for my own reflection. While I struggle on, I know God delights in a broken and contrite heart.

Repent, surrender, rest, love. Lord reign in me.

so tired

2010-11-22T00:58:00.002-05:00

44...bad number..haha
haven't done any real blogging for ages

not thinking

i think

2010-11-08T01:26:00.000-05:00

i lost all my friends this term...
if i've even made any

putting it off

2010-10-30T15:52:00.002-04:00

i've put it off for too long
cruised through work and all
spent time doing things that don't matter

insignificant
insidious

where is the quiet heart?
where are the undivided thoughts?

i like school when....

2010-10-19T12:34:00.001-04:00

i stay awake in class
... excluding all the midterm and presentation days

mindblowing 2

2010-10-17T22:30:00.003-04:00

12 hours of studio

bright when i went in and dark when i got out...

so dazed =S

mindblowing

2010-10-10T16:40:00.001-04:00

4 hours of emailing
it's like a logging machine just swiped out acres of trees

Talking

2010-10-05T14:57:00.005-04:00

For the past few weeks, I feel less like talking to people. Actually, there are 3 categories: ones i want to talk to; ones i don't want to but have to; ones i avoid for a variety of reasons

I guess I've always been kindof a "cold" person. Temperamental.

I wonder when if ever, I'll break out of this mode.

Perhaps I should, since my sisters are leaving soon and or are too busy to talk to me.Furthermore, people tend to get increasingly cynical and haughty when they are detached from the outer worlds. One example in history would be the chinese whom thought of their nation as the Middle Kingdom-the best- and refused all foreign innovations and technology, ultimately leading to their downfall in the 19th century.

I think my favourite course this term is quite evidently Geography of China:dynamic and diverse =)

That aside, it seems so hard to keep talking to people. There might have been a time when we talked a lot, but then all of a sudden, we stopped. C'est dommage.

Some friends, we should just let go

Wretched Daily

2010-10-05T14:39:00.003-04:00

Something bothers me everyday. I don't know why I must deal with it or how long I'll have to. I hope it goes away.

If God wants me to be loving and to follow his commands, shouldn't He help me to overcome the wretchedness in my mind? Is this a reminder of how evil and how narrow-minded I am?

No outbursts, no shouting, just the clinging dreadfulness like that of a migraine.

I know I shouldn't be like that. It disturbs me so. How long must I endure with this? I feel like a hypocrite.

If You want your will to be done, take this away from me.

failures

2010-09-28T00:58:00.004-04:00

People have asked me if I've enjoyed my summer break in Asia. Even though i usually reply that it was great, the past summer has not been all sunny and bright.

The whole summer, there was always so much drama going on. Upfront and behind the scenes. It seemed like an invisible tug-of-war, wrestling in my mind and with my time. There were so many places I could go to, but I felt stifled and was always grasping for my own space.

I get really annoyed when people tell me about my flaws. Especially so when I feel like I've been wronged or misjudged. My aunt has told me repeatedly that I'm impatient. She always chooses to tell me strategically the day before I leave Hong Kong so I can reflect upon that. I don't see why I should but I can get pretty defensive about it. It's sad, but probably true.

There were also accusations that happened without reasons. Purely illogical and irrational. Which made me think, am I the one who is being ridiculous? Are my thoughts absurd? Have I not truly been born again? Was I not reflecting the glory and love that I had come to believe in?

Gradually, these questions became less and less important to me. I became more of an escapist than a witness, cowardly rather than bold.

Running away was a mistake, a huge one.

It didn't filter out the noise or the hurt. It wasn't easier to live by then or after that. The pain hadn't disappeared; it's still there, hidden yet growing. Benign, yet with the potential to turn tumultuous.

It's incredible to think that I had plans beforehand but they all worked in reverse. The most unexpected things happened, rolled along and gain momentum so that I could barely hang on. I wouldn't say that my faith has been weakened but I have definitely been humbled.

What's done cannot be undone. The only option left is to persevere, to hold it close, and to scribe it in my heart.

Hebrews 10:19-39, 12, 13 James 1: 2-27, 3,4, 1 Peter, 2 Peter 1, 1 John

canto and viet

2010-09-27T23:18:00.003-04:00

I finally realized why vietnamese and cantonese sound so similar!!!!

"Before the Qin conquest forcibly united all Chinese into a single empire, the Guangdong area was joined in a single state with what is now northern Vietnam, the state of Yueh, which spoke a common language" (Meacham, 1983)

what a revelation!

btw, my bullet has lost its magic...

2010-09-23T20:24:00.002-04:00

i hate it when i care for things that don't matter yet don't care enough for things that do

Back in Waterloo

2010-09-19T17:52:00.003-04:00

Stepped back on the pillowy grass,
winds caressing
the last auburn traces on the ground,
as a furry figure scurries past.

Back in Waterloo and what has it done for me?

A chance to look at the vast sky and see the clouds drift by.
A chance to hear the flusters of the leaves.
A chance to feel nature and appreciate the genesis.

my nightmare

2010-09-18T16:10:00.001-04:00

i'm so scared of my laptop.

unexpected convo

2010-08-15T09:40:00.006-04:00

He was there
I walked past the first time, merely glancing...and as I realised the washroom was on the other end, i went across again. This time, I was pretty sure. I wrote a verse down, slipped it into my pocket, decided i would regret if i didn't so i went forward.

"Do you remember me?"
A shake....oh! He realised, but doesn't recognise me.
As far back as I can recall, we've not had a proper conversation. The last time I saw him was probably 4 years ago. He was singing "You are awesome in this place"

Randomly spotting him on a sunday, at someplace not too close to his house was quite out of the blue. Since the last things I heard about him was that he was not doing too well, I felt it was necessary that I bring God into our conversation.

He hasn't been going to church but we started talking about church, the function of churches and he asked how my church was like. I think I knew it at the back of my head, but have never put it out. Truth is, not too many people care about our church. I said something about us students being in a stage of transition. He didn't really say too much except that christians should be more concerned and our faith must be everything, not just a part. Well, the thing is, he's been to many different churches, and claims that many of them are not true believers. From there, he asked me how i was sure that i'm a christian.

It's one of the most basic questions that a christian should be able to answer. I shared a little of what God taught me this year (sort of like a testimony), mentioned 1 John, but then I didn't bring up any specific verses. I've been through sermons and books on this topic but it just seems like the moment I don't remind myself, I simply forget.

He told me because of how he has been through all the pain and because he could very well never rise again from the surgical bed, he had to ask those questions- the questions that are really most important in life.

Have I really tried answering them?

I started crying, not really because of what he said but rather, because I felt like I had been trying very hard for the past few weeks. Trying to walk in the light and not in the darkness, trying to love when i do not love, trying to do right instead of wrong; trying, but failing.

I think he was shocked by my reaction. He must have felt that I was just another "christian". It shouldn't be so.

We went through quite a number of things. One was the reason he stopped attending church or any other fellowship. When he was in deep need for support and care from brothers and sisters, he didn't get it. He is also skeptical about discussions relating to the God's word. He quoted me Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

He has searched hard for the answers, sometimes not by choice but by circumstance. It may be the reason why he's so cynical about life, but whatever it is, we can and should take heart that we have a real cause of hope and of joy by the power of the Cross.

in the tunnel

2010-08-13T09:23:00.003-04:00

there's a thorn in my flesh and i'm struggling with it. more than one.
i close my eyes and wish that in the next moment, i'll find myself in waterloo. i want to leave things as they are but i know that'll result in nothing and nothingness brings more troubles.

Have I not changed? Am I the old me? Does it count at all? Do they not know?

actually, i'm sure they don't...because even i do not understand.

I'm sick and tired of it. Even if I try harder, how would it matter? It will still be regarded as a reluctant response, at most a half-hearted attempt...with more thunders rolling and crushing my ears

If only this post is part of the tunnel, then when we all step out and enter the light, we can turn back and see that it was the tunnel that made us never want to turn back again.

Five Psalms in "To the Green Man", by Mark Jarman

2010-08-05T10:02:00.001-04:00

First forgive the silence
That answers prayer
Then forgive the prayer
That stains the silence

Excuse the absence
That feels like presence,
Then excuse the feeling
That insists on presence

Pardon the delay
Of revelation,
Then ask pardon for revealing
Your impatience.

Forgive God
For being only a word,
Then ask god to forgive
The betrayal of language